We're under a Level 3 snow emergency, and the news is devoting their entire broadcast to providing helpful tips and critical information such as:
- Police can give you a ticket if you are out driving without a really good reason, so stay home if at all possible. Unless you need to get groceries, or you want to take your kids sledding, or you're planning to run some errands today...
- If you are going to drive somewhere, file a travel plan with somebody so that they can tell authorities where to start digging. Pack an emergency kit in your car, including an ice scraper, a blanket, a bottle of water, a cell phone, a brightly colored rag to tie to your antenna, several bags of sand, road flares, an avalanche beacon, a month's supply of food, water-proof matches & firewood, self-contained breathing apparatus, and a team of sled dogs. If you get stranded, stay in your car, because you could get disoriented by the vast expanse of white and wind up walking in circles for hours, until you eventually freeze to death.
- Road crews are not using salt on the roadways, because it wouldn't be effective for these types of conditions. (i.e. It would be pointless to create a big slushy mess on top of packed snow. They know what they're doing, so please don't call and complain.)
- Everything in the greater Cincinnati area is closed, but just in case you have any doubts, we're going to list every school, business, store, charity, and government agency, one by one, across the bottom of your screen.
- [Repetition of the above, ad nauseum]