Thoughts from this week...

I spent most of this week at our company summit meeting at Lake Monomonac, in Winchendon, MA. (It's near Leominster, which is pronounced Lemon-ster.) We're a small "virtual" company-- a total of just 8 employees, and we all work from home. Up until now, I had only met 3 of my coworkers in person, so I got to meet the other 4 this week.

I started calling our meeting a retreat, because the cell phone reception was pretty sketchy, but I'm pretty sure that our retreat didn't cost $440,000 because we were staying at my boss' 3-BR / 2-Bath lake cottage and one of my coworkers brought his camper. (Wall Street should take business frugality lessons from us!)

The Tip of the Iceberg

I know that our software does some complicated engineering analysis, but this week I realized that the expression "tip of the iceberg" is a gross understatement. I would guess that probably 99% of the software is "underwater" or behind the curtain of the user interface.

Maybe that's true of every product to a certain extent. I'm sure that surgeons never stop to think about all of the analysis and testing that go into the development of the devices that they use, which is what I used to work on.

But this week I realized that now I'm on the other side, sneaking a peak at what's happening behind the curtain, and I'm feeling a little sheepish because I'm out of my element. I have written computer programs to crunch data through equations, but I am not a programmer.

My coworkers spent several hours talking about graph theory, Dinic algorithms, valency, and supernodes. They did their best to explain some of these concepts to me, but I still have only the foggiest clue of what those terms really mean.

Airport Aggravation

Am I the only one who feels bullied by airports that don't offer free WiFi access?

I mean it's bad enough that you're holding me hostage for hours with crummy overpriced food, uncomfortable seating, and noisy announcements repeated over-and-over-and-over again. (Most airports banned smoking decades ago. Do we still need announcements to remind people of this fact?!?) Couldn't you please just let me check my email and surf the internet for an hour for free, to help take my mind off of how tired and miserable I am?

I really don't feel like I'm being unreasonable here.

I suspect that most people are like me-- They boot up their computer to see if there is a free connection, but when they find out that they have to pay for access, they just shut everything down again. (I actually use my iPod touch to test the waters first, so I don't have to deal with the hassle of waiting for my computer to boot up.) Because it's not worth paying $8-10 just to get online for 45 minutes. And if the cost isn't really the issue, then there's the hassle of having to submit the credit card charges for reimbursement on an expense account.

I just wonder how much revenue is actually being generated by the exclusive partnerships between airports and the internet service providers for "pay by the hour" access?

On that note, I just have to say that Dayton is a nice little airport. Free WiFi access, reasonable parking, quick security lines, and much cheaper flights than Cincinnati. I just wish they were closer to my house. I had to get up at 2:45am on Monday morning so that I could leave my house at 4am, and I was still a little bit rushed catching my 6:10 flight. So my busy week got off to a very early start!

I'm a Mac

I love these commercials, and I think The Bean Counter is especially great.

Maybe it's just fun to cheer for the underdog, but seriously, Microsoft has made themselves such an easy target with Vista...

You know you've really screwed up when you have to disguise your product as something else (i.e. the "Mojave" commercials) in order to get people to even consider taking a look at it.

My coworkers (i.e. brilliant software developers) have struggled with serious problems installing Vista on their computers, so I have a hard time believing that Vista is ready for prime-time.

Demotivational Favorites

Saw this comic in the newspaper today, and it reminded me of something that my friend T would say.

It's also a very appropriate introduction to some of my favorite posters from Despair, Inc.

• Motivation - I wonder if they have motivational posters in India?


• Government - Or, as I like to say, "Government is the least effective way to do just about anything."


• Beauty - Because everyone knows at least one person like this.


• Pressure - Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.


• Teamwork - My all-time favorite, and so completely relevant to being on ski patrol.


• Destiny - For Hubs, because I know he's reading this!

P.S. Their t-shirts are also brilliant.

Nerds & Geeks

There's an Op-Ed article in The New York Times that begs the question: What's the difference between a nerd and a geek?

According to the article (and my dictionary), "nerd" was originally used for someone who was book-smart but lacking in social skills, while a "geek" was just socially inept. But the author suggests that the terms have shifted somewhat in recent years, and based on my personal experience, I have to agree.

My spin on the difference between the two is that a nerd is intelligent but boring, and therefore often solitary. A geek, on the other hand, is smart and yet "differently abled" in the social arena. i.e. Geeks have passions, which they share with other geeks. It's just that our areas of interest are not the same as mainstream culture.



Regardless of the subtleties, it's obvious that the guy who wrote the article knows my husband:

At first, a nerd was a geek with better grades. The word described a high-school or college outcast who was persecuted by the jocks, preps, frat boys and sorority sisters. Nerds had their own heroes (Stan Lee of comic book fame), their own vocations (Dungeons & Dragons), their own religion (supplied by George Lucas and “Star Wars”) and their own skill sets (tech support)...

Among adults, the words “geek” and “nerd” exchanged status positions. A nerd was still socially tainted, but geekdom acquired its own cool counterculture. A geek possessed a certain passion for specialized knowledge, but also a high degree of cultural awareness and poise that a nerd lacked.

Today, my husband and 4 of his friends are camped out in our kitchen, playing BattleTech for 8 or 10 hours. My husband is wearing the t-shirt that I gave to him for Christmas:



'Nuff said.

Correlation, or Causality?

(Just wanted to share another brilliant gestalt from indexed!)

Fauxnancial Vocabulary

I know I said that I was going to stop talking about personal finance and the economy, but this article was just too good not to share. Here are new vocabulary words for our new economy:

• Narcicession - An economic phenomenon characterized by consumers who believe that basic economic principles apply to other people, in other countries, and other eras, but not to them.


• Denialation - A period following a narcicession, when consumers fail to understand why their net worth and standard of living are falling.


• Fauxnancier - An investing genius who knows way more about making money than you or I do, except he doesn't, actually.


• Can'titative analyst - A mathematical whiz who can't explain where several billion dollars suddenly disappeared to.


• Masters of the Puniverse - Investment bankers who used to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars and now must get by on a few million.


• Magicware - Sophisticated software that analyzes complex investment vehicles and makes risk disappear.


• Auditarium - Soundproof room at banks where auditors are quarantined.


• Benopoly - An economy in which only the Federal Reserve holds risky securities.


• Econogloss - Presidential pronouncements that paint the economy as stable. Must be reapplied frequently.


• Mortgage breaker - A lending institution that peddles mortgages designed to self-destruct.


• Homeblower - A consumer who thinks that financing a house with a mortgage requiring 60 percent of his monthly take-home pay will work out, somehow.

Who would do that to a child?

This morning, I stumbled across this article about the long-term effects of giving children bizarre names. This section made me laugh, because it's so completely true:

“Today it’s all about individuality,” Mr. Sherrod said. “In the past, there was more of a sense of humor, probably because fathers had more say in the names.” He said the waning influence of fathers might explain why there are no longer so many names like Nice Deal, Butcher Baker, Lotta Beers and Good Bye, although some dads still try.

“I can’t tell you,” Mr. Sherrod said, “how often I’ve heard guys who wanted their kid to be able to say truthfully, ‘Danger is my middle name.’ But their wives absolutely refused.”

A few years ago, my husband came up with "Perry Winkle" as a name for one of our future kids. He thinks my infatuation with the color will get me to buy into his goofy suggestion, so he brings it up frequently, hoping that he'll eventually wear me down. But he is tragically mistaken in this belief. I would never do that to a little boy. (Although I could totally see myself succumbing to the temptation of naming a girl Violet or Lavender.)

I will grant you this: Punny and unusual names give other people something to talk about. I know I've had numerous conversations with friends, exchanging anecdotes like "I knew a kid named Dusty Hall" and "I went to school with a guy named Joe Blow, Jr." Of course, the African-American community has also contributed greatly to the list creative and unique names, including kids named Uneek, as a matter of fact.

My personal favorite comes from my high school English teacher. (Her name, incidentally, was Sharon Stone.) She swore that a family of three kids went through our school with the names Jack Pine, Douglas Fir, and Merry Christmas Tree. (At least those kids had the option of playing it straight by simply keeping their middle names under wraps.)

I'd love to get some comments on this-- What are some of the best/worst names you've ever encountered personally? (I'm not asking for urban myths about ignorant parents naming babies after diseases or anatomical terms.) I'll start the ball rolling by saying that I had a friend in high school named Scott Crabbs, which seems innocent enough until someone asks, "Who's Scott Crabbs?"

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

I've been teaching a class at UC for 8 weeks now, but I'm still not officially an employee yet. I thought things moved slowly in big companies, but university bureaucracy takes it to a whole new level. Hopefully, I'll eventually get paid for all the time and effort I've put into this class-- I've certainly enjoyed the intellectual challenge, but not enough to do it for free.

Since the Adjunct Instructor position makes me a public employee of the state of Ohio, I had to fill out a Declaration of Material Assistance Form to ensure that I'm not a terrorist. The DMA form references the Department of Homeland Security's list of official terrorist organizations as designated by the U.S. Department of State.

OBVIOUSLY, I am not a terrorist. I am not a member of any terrorist organizations, and I would not knowingly give material aid to any terrorist organizations. Duh.

I find it surreal to think that our federal and state governments have developed a two-page form to seriously ask the following questions:

For each question, indicate either “yes,” or “no” in the space provided. Responses must be truthful to the best of your knowledge.
1. Are you a member of an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List? Yes No
2. Have you used any position of prominence you have with any country to persuade others to support an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List? Yes No
3. Have you knowingly solicited funds or other things of value for an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List? Yes No
4. Have you solicited any individual for membership in an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List? Yes No
5. Have you committed an act that you know, or reasonably should have known, affords "material support or resources" to an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List? Yes No
6. Have you hired or compensated a person you knew to be a member of an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List, or a person you knew to be engaged in planning, assisting, or carrying out an act of terrorism? Yes No

Who in their right mind would answer "YES"?!? Correction: Who in any state of mind would say YES to one of those questions?

Oh, wait, here's the kicker:

I hereby certify that the answers I have made to all of the questions on this declaration are true to the best of my knowledge. I understand that if this declaration is not completed in its entirety, it will not be processed and I will be automatically disqualified. I understand that I am responsible for the correctness of this declaration. I understand that failure to disclose the provision of material assistance to an organization identified on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List, or knowingly making false statements regarding material assistance to such an organization is a felony of the fifth degree. I understand that any answer of “yes” to any question, or the failure to answer “no” to any question on this declaration shall serve as a disclosure that material assistance to an organization identified on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List has been provided by myself or my organization. If I am signing this on behalf of a company, business or organization, I hereby acknowledge that I have the authority to make this certification on behalf of the company, business or organization referenced above.

"I guess I have to be completely honest, because I'm providing my signature at the bottom of the form." Everyone knows that terrorists prize their personal integrity enough to disclose their secret plans for destroying Western Civilization.

Unfortunately, my sense of mischieviousness is just enough to tempt me to check one of the "Yes" boxes, because I'm curious to see what would happen. Can you imagine the conversation with the government agents assigned to the case? "Which terrorist group did you provide with material support or resources? What kind of material support did you provide?" "Oh, I'm not telling you that. You'll have to figure that out on your own." (Fortunately, my senses of rationality and self-preservation are powerful enough to overwhelm my sense of mischieviousness and kick its butt.)

I shouldn't even joke about this sort of thing, least of all on a website. The government will probably be monitoring everything I write from now on, tapping my phone lines, and doing background checks to determine if any of my acquaintances are suspected terrorists.

(For the record, just in case any government agents ARE reading this, the whole "BP Refinery" thing was a JOKE. Besides which, my only involvement was reading the email sent from K.E. to A.N. Yes, I served as a personal reference for each of them when they applied for Top Secret security clearance, but I've already explained the whole situation to two different NSA agents, so it's time to let it go already.)

Seriously, I'd like to know what group of people sat in a room together and decided that this form was a good idea. How many hours have been wasted creating it, revising it, publishing it, training people on it, distributing it to all state-controlled Human Resource departments, getting employees and organizations to fill it out, and filing it away??? And who's really intent on destroying Western Civilization?

Vote!

Forget Billary vs. Obama vs. McCain vs. Huckabee... The best candidate is clearly Dave Barry.

Superheroes

Who's your favorite superhero? Why?

I used to think I didn't have a favorite superhero, but then I realized that Hermione Granger would qualify. She does have magical powers, after all...

I think she's one of the best female characters to appear in a novel since Jane Austen died. She's obnoxiously smart, unflinchingly loyal, tactlessly honest, and unpredictably fiesty, all rolled into one.

God Hates Shrimp

I probably shouldn't be doing this, but it's just too good not to share...

My sister has a science blog that discusses ocean ecology and overfishing. In her most recent posting, she had a link to the God Hates Shrimp website.

Yep. It's true. Shrimp are an abomination. So are lobsters, crabs, scallops, and clams. Roadkill is also verboten, and, as my friend Tracie likes to point out, we're also not supposed to boil a goat in it's mother's milk. (See Deuteronomy 14:21. In fact, you might want to glance through all of Exodus, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy before you start making any plans for dinner.)

But wait, it gets even better! From that website, you can find a link to this website, which you can bookmark under either "Irreverent" or "I'm SO going to Hell for this..."

Of course, don't forget to check out the link to Real Church Signs.

And so my work here is done. Have fun, and don't get into too much trouble!



P.S. My sister's blog is called Shifting Baselines. I think it's informative and entertaining, so I recommend checking it out once in awhile. And in all seriousness, please spend a little bit of time exploring the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch website and their Pocket Seafood Guides. If you're going to eat fish, pick something like Tilapia and not Orange Roughy or Chilean Sea Bass.

Geek Life

This is easily the funniest "experiment" ever captured on video by a couple of geeks.

Granted, the Honda "Cog" commercial was more elegant and professional, but when it comes to pure, unpolished geek panache, it's going to be hard to top EepyBird.

...BUT...

The guys at Mythbusters (aka the best show on television) are going to try! And I'm sure it'll be great! Sunday, November 26th @ 9pm.

Did you ever wish to be a Hobbit?

Last night, I discovered this link for a housing development in Bend, Oregon. If you're a fan of Lord of the Rings, it's like an invitation to come live in your own personal fairy tale...

Now, if you could really have the lifestyle of a Hobbit, I'd say it sounds pretty good. You've got the quaint village, a comfortable home with cozy chairs around a fireplace-- But it all wouldn't be complete without plenty of visitors, good books, and second breakfasts!

Sunday Funnies

I just found the Ship of Fools website a couple of days ago. I can't help it-- Gadgets for God just makes me giggle...

Speaking of Lunacy...

Remember how I said that skiing is only as dangerous as you make it? Well, here is Exhibit A:

This guy is practicing for a competition where the goal is to go off a jump and run into a tree. Maybe the people participating in the Tree-Ski-Jumping competition are suffering from seasonal affective disorder due to Norway's short winter days-- Most people get depressed, but obviously some people manifest other forms of mental illness.