Fauxnancial Vocabulary

I know I said that I was going to stop talking about personal finance and the economy, but this article was just too good not to share. Here are new vocabulary words for our new economy:

• Narcicession - An economic phenomenon characterized by consumers who believe that basic economic principles apply to other people, in other countries, and other eras, but not to them.


• Denialation - A period following a narcicession, when consumers fail to understand why their net worth and standard of living are falling.


• Fauxnancier - An investing genius who knows way more about making money than you or I do, except he doesn't, actually.


• Can'titative analyst - A mathematical whiz who can't explain where several billion dollars suddenly disappeared to.


• Masters of the Puniverse - Investment bankers who used to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars and now must get by on a few million.


• Magicware - Sophisticated software that analyzes complex investment vehicles and makes risk disappear.


• Auditarium - Soundproof room at banks where auditors are quarantined.


• Benopoly - An economy in which only the Federal Reserve holds risky securities.


• Econogloss - Presidential pronouncements that paint the economy as stable. Must be reapplied frequently.


• Mortgage breaker - A lending institution that peddles mortgages designed to self-destruct.


• Homeblower - A consumer who thinks that financing a house with a mortgage requiring 60 percent of his monthly take-home pay will work out, somehow.